Friday, 12 February 2016

BYOB

If i ran a clinic that specialised in penis enlargement operations the most obvious place to open a clinic would be next to a gun range.
This time of year is especially difficult for men who say things like 'Guns don’t kill people' and 'Without my gun the King of England could just come into my house' because they are obviously crackers and have a very good chance of being single.   
So what is a single gun nut with a tiny willy going to do this St Valentines Day when love is all around? Shoot cute things obviously.  
A Texan gun range is offering a special promotion where Cletus, Bobby Joe and Billy Bob can turn up in their pick up truck and take out all that pent up aggression about women avoiding them like Australians avoid alcohol free beer by shooting at teddy bears.
After last years successful campaign, the Boyert Shooting Range is running another promotion which allows distraught lovers to shoot either their own teddy bears or choose a new bear to blast.
'I’m a single guy and it gives me a chance to let loose a little bit' slurred one man who saw his already nil chances of finding love plummet by going on television to announce he will spend Valentines Day blasting teddy bears and condemning himself to spending every February 14th wondering why nobody wants him.
When the only thing smaller than your chances of finding love is your genitalia, go shoot some teddy bears.

Wednesday, 10 February 2016

European Socialists

The Bernie Sanders Socialist bandwagon continues to gather pace and people are starting to talk seriously about President Sanders, the thinking being that Bernie will win the Democrat nomination, Trump will win the Republican and being as Trump is a racist nutter who would sink America into the sea within a week of being handed power, Sanders will win and usher in a new Socialist utopia across the Atlantic.
As Bernie is a self declared fan of European Socialism, and considering i am not only a European but also a Socialist, i am doubly well placed to let Americans now what they can expect under the four or possibly eight years of a Sanders administration.

1. The Song. Socialism has it's own song and it's sung to the tune of the Christmas Carol 'O' Christmas Tree' and is all about peace, human rights and human gains while hauling down the rich man. It's not quite Stairway o Heaven but it's catchy. 
2. Red. For some reason everything Socialist is red, the flag, the badges, the posters, the ties. Every Bernie Sanders badge i have seen has been blue but that's a Democrat thing because the Republicans are red and it may get confusing if he changed it now.
3. Famous Socialists. If you look at the great and the good through history, you can bet your Che Guevera mug that they were a Socialist. The list includes George Orwell, Betrand Russell, Charlie Chaplin, John Steinbeck, Pablo Picasso, Martin Luther King, Mark Twain, Malcolm X, Oscar Wilde, Joe Strummer, Nelson Mandela and Albert Einstein and if the brainiest man who has ever lived decides that Socialism is the way to go you know you have backed the right horse, or German physicist.
4. Scandinavia. To an outsider, Scandinavia can seem like a group of small, difficult-to-tell-apart Nordic countries but the Scandinavian countries are, in fact, some of the richest, most successful societies on Earth, with exceptionally high levels of education, health care, and safety and to a man run by Socialists. Vote Sanders and and you to could be Sweden or Norway only with less fish and blonde haired people knocking around. 
5. Socialism is already working. Someone assaulting you? The police arrive, and without payment, resolve the situation. America is invaded by Iceland? The military show up and chase them away for free. Your house on fire? The fire department comes and puts the fire out without payment. Your child can't write yet? The school will educate them for free. Got seven bin liners full of rubbish? The rubbish collectors will take it away and charge you nothing. Need to drive to Florida to get some oranges for your Vitamin C Deficiency? Travel there on the roads maintained for free.

It's a no brainer really, under Socialism you get a neat song, everything coloured red, get to live in a Scandinavian knock off, while driving around with the hood down, feeling the wind in your hair and listening to The Clash. What's not to like about being a European Socialist?

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Ex-Americans

There were a record 4,279 less Americans in the World at the end of 2015 as that's the number who renounced their nationality and potentially forfeited the chance to ever return Stateside.
According to the US Treasury, a record number of individuals renounced their US citizenship or long-term residency in 2015 which was an increase of 20% on the previous year which itself was a record-breaking year.
The main reason cited is the Foreign Account Tax Compliance Act (Fatca), a law designed to target overseas accounts held by Americans who must file a tax return, no matter where they live in the World, and often pay US taxes on top of the tax they already pay in their country of residence.
As Fatca places a burden on foreign banks to identify US citizens among their customers to US tax authorities and with penalties for failing to do so can be as high as 30% of all a bank's dealings with the USA so as a result, Americans abroad are being denied access to basic banking facilities as banks would rather refuse US citizens' custom than run the risk of hefty penalties.
For Americans abroad, the only option is to pay the $2350 it costs to hand in their passport and renounce their citizenship and then be able to open a bank account.
There are 9 million Americans living outside of America and come November and  Donald Trump lands in the White House then 2016 could become another record breaking year for Americans wishing to abandon their country.

Not So Bright And Beautiful

I don't get to watch Songs of Praise much but when i do they always seem to be singing 'All Things Bright and Beautiful', a cheerful song which praises God for all the nice things that he has given us because the Lord made everything apparently.
The big man gets the thanks for things such as the flowers, birds, mountains, rivers, fruit and trees which i think we can all agree come under the bright and beautiful banner but if God made all things then as well as the nice things in life he must also take the blame for the bad things such as the diseases and parasites that blight humans. 
To even things up i have come up with alternative version, 'All Things Not So Bright  and Beautiful' because if you are going to take the plaudits for making everything, as well as the good things, you must take the blame for the crap things you have made also.

Refrain:
All things bad and terrible,
all ailments great and small,
all things poor and awful:
the Lord God made them all.

1. The Zika Virus Infection,
Each little tic that bites
God made their glowing colours
And the scabies mite
(Refrain)

2. Hepatitis D coinfection
Cancer and TB to,
Chicken pox and measles
Ringworm And Avian Flu
(Refrain)

3. Downs Syndrome and Asthma
Melanoma from the Sun
Gonorrhoea and Shingles
God made them every one
(Refrain)

4. God gave us eye infections
Whooping cough and sickle cell
Give thanks to God Almighty
When your not feeling well
(Refrain)

Monday, 8 February 2016

Another One Bites The Moon Dust

It is a sad fact that the first man to walk on the moon was 1969 and the last was in 1972 and we haven't been back since.
Edgar Mitchell was the 6th man on the moon and his death means that of the 12 humans who have set foot on another solar body, five have died and the remainder are all in the eighties so there could soon not be anybody alive who has walked on anything but the Earth.   
Unfortunately, once the moon was landed upon the space program cooled and the next giant step of a moon base or man on Mars, never materialised and due to financial constraints, is unlikely to be revived in our lifetime.
'There are not compelling publicly-held reasons for doing it' a NASA spokesman explained, 'Without a rationale that everybody understands and can buy into, it's a very hard sell to get the resources to do it'.
The question, 40 years later, seems to have become less 'when are we going back' and more 'why should we go back'.
There is no shortage of people suggesting we have better things to spend our money on here on Earth but exploring is what us humans do we, we go looking for places to investigate and attempt to establish a foothold.
How can anyone look up at the night sky, see the beautiful moon and stars and wonder are we alone, what else is there in the inky blackness of space and if we have the technology and know how to do it, why are we not doing more to add to the very limited knowledge we have about our nearest neighbour.

Booby Sands

Sinn Fein, the political wing of the IRA, have long been making tits of themselves and now they have confirmed it by making a hilarious typo on their campaign leaflet.  
Mary Lou McDonald, the deputy leader of the party wanted to be quoted invoking the spirit of one of the figureheads of the Irish Republican movement, Bobby Sands, the IRA hunger striker who starved himself to death in the Maze Prison in Northern Ireland in 1981 however, somewhere along the way Bobby became Booby and nobody noticed until the leaflets were printed and were distributed.
The leaflets have know been withdrawn so i assume Sinn Fein are now keeping abreast of the situation and hope that it is soon forgotten and fades from peoples mammaries before the election.

Sunday, 7 February 2016

Arsenal v Leicester Dilemma

I face a bit of a tricky dilemma next weekend because my team Arsenal are playing the top of the league team Leicester.
Arsenal still have an outside chance of winning the title but in my hearts of hearts it's pretty unlikely
while Leicester are six points clear at the top with 13 games to go.  
To put it into context Leicester were almost relegated out the top division last season and had odds of 5000-1 in August to top the league this season and when you see the bookies are offering 500-1 for Northern Ireland to win this years Euro's then it shows what a magnificent feat they have achieved this season.
My problem is that i obviously want Arsenal to win the league but if they don't, i'd would want Leicester to but if Arsenal beat Leicester this coming Sunday then it would not only dent Leicesters chances but open the door for Tottenham and Manchester City who are presently second and third.
A Leicester win would pretty much finish any chances Arsenal have of adding to the Emirates Stadium trophy cabinet and a draw would put it on life support.
While Arsenal can still win it i will be willing a gunners victory and with 36 more points after this game to play for it could still all change but i do wish it wasn't Leicester that Arsenal have to beat this weekend.
Of course we are all looking forward to Tottenham choking and ending up in the usual UEFA Cup place they always grab at the end of the season but ideal would be an Arsenal win and then Leicester, Spurs and Manchester City all drop points and it's the Gunners holding aloft the big cup in May but if they don't then the romantic in me wants it to be Leicester.

Saturday, 6 February 2016

Dangerous Creations Blog

How ironic that the Dangerous Creations blog, which Daniel spent so much time on dispelling the myth of God and all things Holy has gone and been replaced by links to creationist sites.
The Dangerous Creation blog was always very left wing whose views crossed so much with mine and Daniel the author was never slow to rub up anyone who held an an opposite view to him, the arguments he became embroiled in on this blog are testament to that.
When i came to this blog in 2007 Dangerous Creations was one of the first blogs on my blogroll and it is quite sad to see yet another long term blogger who has decided to end their participation but as anyone who has blogged for any length of time will tell you, it can become quite a commitment to keep up.
So i raise a glass of something fizzy to Daniel and Dangerous Creations who was one of the original bloggers and i hope that whatever he is doing now in the Land Down Under, he is enjoying it.
In honour of the Australian who did so much to anger Americans and gave me an outlet to wind up our Aussie cousins, i dedicate the following post: Whinging Pom Eggs

Library Day

Today marks National Libraries Day, one of the most important institutions that we have and according to the Chartered Institute of Public Finance and Accountancy (CIPFA) 240 million books were borrowed from the 3,450 libraries left in Britain.
The most borrowed authors of 2014-15 were James Patterson, Juliia Donaldson and Daisy Meadows. Roald Dahl was the most borrowed 'classic author' with Enid Blyton and Agatha Christie making up the top three.
The title that was most checked out by the British public was the 'Personal' by thriller writer Lee Child, 'Never Go Back' also by Lee Child and the crime mystery 'Abattoir Blues' by Peter Robinson.
The most borrowed audio-book was Lesley Pearse's 'Without a Trace' read by Emma Powell.
I seemed to have spent a good portion of last year plowing through the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich, a great accidental discovery about a female bounty hunter who mixes it in a world of supernatural characters and as there are 22 novels, 2015 was certainly a Stephanie Plum year although i also managed to squeeze in a handful of Ben Elton books and re-read 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep', a book so far removed from the 'Blade Runner' film it spawned that to say the usual 'loosely based on the novel' isn't loose enough.

Friday, 5 February 2016

Assange Arbitrarily Detained

British arrogance is renown but as the saying goes if you lay with dogs then you get fleas and Sweden seems to have caught something nasty from the Brits because the usually laid back Scandinavians are embroiled in the nasty smell over Julian Assange.
The United Nation have found that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is being 'arbitrarily detained' in the Ecuadorian embassy for the past 3 and a half years but the British and Swede's shake their heads and call the United Nations 'ridiculous' and say 'no he hasn't'.
To make it worse the Brits and Swedes are acting on behalf of the United States as Assange had shown the World the awful things the American military were doing in Iraq and Afghanistan and rather than go after the people doing the murdering, they went after the messenger and Britain as always was happy to be the lapdog and drag Sweden into out murky World.
The findings that state Assange’s 'deprivation of liberty' must end should mean it's time for him to walk free and to be compensated for the lengthy period he has been holed up in the Embassy but tonight he remains in his embassy room and Britain and Sweden remaining adamant that the report changes nothing. 
The CIA's 'Rendition Airlines' and that cell beside Bradley/Chelsea Manning will just have to wait and Sweden should choose it's friends more carefully.