Monday, 30 April 2007
Shame that because i would imagine that even the Queen would not disagree if one was pointing towards her gaff prone hubby.
For the rest of her family she would need some 'I'm with the jug earred weirdo' and 'I'm with the balding fairy' shirts knocked up.
As the Queen jets into North America, her second eldest son jets back from South America whining about his treatment by the media.
After yet more stories about his golf playing, yacht partying 'business trip' to warmer climes, the Prince moans that he is worth the money because of the business he attracts to the country and that he has developed a thick skin that criticism drips off of like water.
That's handy then, means we can all call him a skivving, lard arsed tosser.
Saturday, 28 April 2007
The general consensus seems to fall into two camps, the yes he should because he is a soldier camp and the no he shouldn't because his presence will put his colleagues in greater danger.
For the record i agree with the second camp, the unit he controls will come under even more severe fire as the insurgents target the third in line.
What is not being mentioned is the short-sightedness of the Army who must of seen this coming when the Royal very first scraped the A levels needed to qualify for Army Officer training.
Maybe they were hoping that the Iraq war would be all done and dusted by the time he finished training thus avoiding such a scenario.
If he does have to go then maybe he should not be in the front-line and be stuck 'in the rear with the gear' if only for the safety of his fellow soldiers who have enough to contend with without having a highly prized target in their midst attracting even more enemy fire to them like some sort of RPG magnet.
Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie were never the biggest or boisterous comedians, they were always that bit more cerebral for some peoples tastes, but they have been plugging away since the early 80's on TV here.
Hugh Laurie is currently appearing in 'House' and gaining quite a reputation for his portrayal as a socially inept medical man.
Stephen Fry has been appearing as the eccentric Englishman in 'Bones' with David Boreanaz. They may not be our biggest stars but they are far and away the most deserving and i genuinely wish them well.
It doesn't make up for most of the dullards that have made the same trek and you have got David Beckham and his God-awful wife washing up there imminently not forgetting Ricky Gervais. You can keep them, we don't want that trio back.
Now far be it from me to hope that this fine bunch of actors, royals, singers and whatever it is Paris Hilton does, be stranded on some far flung planet but this would not be my first choice of companions on trip to the local newsagents, let alone into space.
My concern is that as this fine crew are pinging through space, we meet up with an alien life form and this bunch are our representatives of Planet Earth. Christ, we would be incinerated as a waste of atmosphere.
Either we send up some proper people who won't make us all look like arse's in the unexpected event of inter-planetary communication or at least cut the fuel pipe.
And as movies have shown us, i would certainly avoid avoid arming Sigourney Weaver or letting Shatner anywhere near a script.
Ever wondered how much milk you will drink in your lifetime? 15,913 pints apparently.
Here is what the average person gets up to in his or her lifetime.
We fart 35,815 times which is not surprising as the average person eats the equivalent of 15 pigs, 5 cows, 1300 chickens and 23 sheep. The vegetarian trouser trumpets could be accredited to the 10,866 carrots, 4,398 loaves of bread, 14,856 eggs and 5,757 apples we scoff. Still, the aromatic smell emanating from our backsides doesn't put us off having sex 4239 times.
We will drink 7,153 pints of beer, 79,481 cups of tea (it was an English show) and 998 bottles of wine all which means plenty of trips to the lavatory to rid ourselves of 254 lites of urine.
We take 7,163 baths and use 302 cans of deodorant (numbers may vary in France obviously). Everyone knows 1,700 people in their lifetime and spends £1,537,380 with £12,924 of it going on clothes. Smokers inhale 77,000 fags and we will know 25,000 words but will speak 56,618,100 words.
Don't know how they worked it all out but i may have to borrow some cigarette and alcohol allowance off somebody.
Thursday, 26 April 2007
It seems that more people are coming to the same conclusion because the RSPCA has asked us to stop dumping our felines with them.
The animal Charity has coughed up a furball in horror at the number of cats it is being called upon to rescue which account for over a third of all their unwanted pets.
"Sadly, there do now seem to be cycles in which one pet is more fashionable than another," says an animal inspector taking a short break from litter tray duty no doubt, "It could be that handbag dogs or pit bull-type animals are in fashion and that could leave no room for a cat in the home. We have even had cats handed in because they didn't match the new carpet."
Just think if we could extend that decor logic to men.
I'm sorry but your pasty white skin clashes with my magnolia walls. It's over.
And take your bloody horrible cat with you.
Tuesday, 24 April 2007
The easy thing to do would be to allow the plaudits and fame to wash over her and achieve instant fame but instead she has taken the much bumpier road of the truth.
The Pentagon initially put out the story that Private Lynch had been wounded by Iraqi gunfire but kept fighting until her ammunition ran out. In fact, her gun had jammed and she did not fire a shot.
Reports also suggested that Ms Lynch had been abused after she came round in the hospital. She said the reports were lies and she had been treated well and the Iraqis had tried to return her to US forces.
Yet more lies and propaganda by the perpetrators of this devastatingly wrong war uncovered.
Monday, 23 April 2007
Saturday, 21 April 2007
The typical England Day would have to begin with a full English breakfast of bacon (Danish), croissants (French), freshly squeezed orange juice (Spanish) and a lovely cup of tea (Indian).
Then all the family will troop outside to the garden and salute the George Cross to a traditional English tune, Wannabe by the Spice Girls or maybe Anarchy in the UK by the Sex Pistols.
This could be followed by silent contemplation on just who buys Rolling Stones records and whether hanging would be to good for them. Then it's the grand old British tradition of binge drinking, getting so tanked up that you can barely stand and starting a fight with the closest person to you at the time.
Should be good.
I had planned to write a post about Elizabeth II celebrating her 83rd Birthday today but apart from being curtseyed at and waving, the Queen doesn't actually do or say much. So to commemorate Her Maj's surviving another year on the planet, here are some of her hubby's greatest gaffs.
"If you stay here much longer you'll all get slitty eyed." speaking to British students in China. "You are a woman, aren't you?" to a Kenyan woman who had just given him a gift.
"You can't have been here that long. You haven't got a pot belly." to a Brit in Budapest.
"You managed not to get eaten, then?" to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea.:
"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" to a driving instructor in Scotland.
"Aren't you descended from pirates?" to a Cayman Islander.
"It looks like it was put in by Indians." after seeing a fusebox in Edinburgh.
"If it has got four legs and isn't a chair, if it has got two wings and isn't a plane, and if it swims and isn't a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." at a World Wildlife Fund meeting.
"Do you still throw spears at each other?" to an Aborigine in Australia.
"So you can write then?" to a 14 year old who had written to the Queen inviting her to visit Essex.
Friday, 20 April 2007
It is always a contentious subject but violent films inspiring real life violence should be thrown in the ring along with lax gun laws and mental illness as possible motives behind acts like we witnessed this week.
US Police are investigating whether Cho Seung-Hui was copying scenes from the Japanese film 'Oldboy' when he murdered 32 people with
Officers believing he repeatedly watched this particular film.
The top gun-to-head picture looks eerily similar to the actors pose from the film but that is a very familiar pose i have seen many times before. It is the hammer wielding image below that makes the link between the film and his mindset.
The fact that he seems to have been influenced by the film will rightly re-ignite the debate over whether violence in movies can lead to people becoming more violent themselves.
Thursday, 19 April 2007
After stating that his band will not be playing Ozzfest, the queen of cosmetic surgery calmly retorted,"I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick fuckin' falls off so his mother can eat it" Classy lady we are dealing with here as she proved in the interview where she admitted sending her own excrement to people she felt had criticised her.
Her bowels must of been working overtime after her brief stint as a chat show host which sank like a Russian submarine as everyone and their dog panned her inability to perform the basic tasks such as reading cue cards and conducting interviews.In 1989 Ozzy was arrested for attempted murder after trying to strangle his wife so i would hate to think what she sent him after that, with a classy lady like her it's probably best not to think too hard about it.
Wednesday, 18 April 2007
Cindy & Barbie dolls have often got a bit of a kicking for portraying an unattainable female image to young kids so heaven knows what was going through the minds of the executives sat in the merchandising meeting for the new Tarantino film 'Grindhouse'.
Some bright spark, possibly high or just ridiculously insensitive, pitched the idea for action figures from the film so now we can hear the screeching tones of kids demanding 'Rapist Number One' emanating from the aisles of Toys R Us.
So who is this toy aimed at considering the film is sure to be an 18? If you have a child that actually sees this flick and recognizes the figure than perhaps your parenting should be questioned.
If you are over 18 and yet want an action figure doll then you really should get out more.
Tuesday, 17 April 2007
Just how long is a decent length of time before murderous regimes become acceptable? Ferry is being diced and chopped for saying that the Nazi's icons were aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Obviously 60 odd years is not long enough judging by the reaction but how long was it before the Vikings stopped being murderous savages who raped, pillaged and killed anything and everything and become cuddly blonde, bearded figures? Genghis Khan hacked and stabbed his way across Europe & Asia but is regarded as one of history's greatest warriors and the Pirates and Roman Army have had some great PR men working on their causes because they have a very romantic image these days.
Napoleon left Josephine at home most nights as he tried to conquer Europe by force 200 years before Hitler had a go at the same thing. So how long can we leave it before saying nice things about the Nazi regime, maybe the German fans wearing funny WW1 German helmet with a spike on the top at sports events in much the same way as the Scandinavians wear funny horned viking helmets.
Obviously not yet so put down the Swastika armband Bryan.
Monday, 16 April 2007
Everyone knows my position guns. Their only function is to kill, that is their one and only purpose and this senseless slaughter is bound to re-open the US gun debate which will pit gun nuts trying to justify their stance on guns despite yet another shooting spree, against the anti-gun lobby just as rabid in their stance.
What seems to be over looked is the reasons behind why these shooting seem to occur which such frequency. It was not that long ago we were debating the Amish shooting so what drives a person to pick up a weapon and go shoot others? Are all these shooters just crazies who just happen to live in America or is their something in society that creates them?
Is it the increasingly violent films available or maybe the moody music being listened to?Could it be the breakup of the family or is society creating such a lack of empathy for others that another persons life is of such little consequence?
Could it be the gun culture that sees guns in the home of many Americans which breeds familiarity and contempt for the weapons?
Whatever the reason, the debate will be about gun control but what should be addressed is just what drives these people to pick up a gun and kill other people in such a cold blooded manner and with such terrifying frequency.
Thursday, 12 April 2007
Anyone who has read or heard anything i have written will already have suspicions that I am never, ever to be trusted. Not with secrets, certainly not with booze over 37.5%, but especially not on the matter of who's sang what effing song.
My Sharona was by the Knack and not The Ramones as someone not a million miles away previously stated and was rightly corrected by Stephen and Don.
In my Chords book it is under the Ramones and because it is written in something suspiciously resembling my handwriting, i must pull back my shoulders, stick out my chin and be ready to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous mislabelling.
Still, cracking song though.
Wednesday, 11 April 2007
Six embryos were frozen but the couple separated before the embryos could be implanted in Ms Evans’s womb and her former partner later changed his mind about having children. He refused permission for his ex to use the embryos and wanted to destroy them while his former girlfriend wanted to use them to have children.
After five years of courtrooms, the highest European Court has refused her permission to use the embryos and has ordered them to be destroyed.
She argued that her former partner had already consented to the creation, storage and use of the embryos and that it was unfair for him to be allowed to alter his decision.
I can see both sides of this particular argument but i do find myself coming down on the side of the man. The bottom line is he withheld his permission, although i also feel for the woman who has lost her only chance of having children.
Tuesday, 10 April 2007
Teenage Kicks - The Undertones
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
November Rain - Guns N Roses
Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day
Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
New Rose - The Damned
Sound Of The Suburbs - The Members
I Don't Want To Grow Up - Ramones
My Sharona - Ramones
The Music that nobody Likes - Carter USM
Sweet Child O Mine - Guns N Roses
Creep - Radiohead
Jeremy - Pearl Jam
Ace of Spades - Motorhead
Anarchy in The Uk - Sex Pistols
My Way - Sid Vicious
Beatsie Boys - Fight For Your Right
One - Metallica
Kids arn't alright - Offspring
The rules specify that I have to justify at least five of these choices. So:
Teenage Kicks - Probably the perfect song with a riff so sharp you could grate cheese on it.
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana started and ended the Grunge thing for me and this song encapsulates the early 90's next generation punk movement.
I Don't Want to Grow Up - Ramones tunes are notoriously easy to play on the guitar but they had some cracking songs and i just like the lyrics to this one.
The Music That Nobody Likes - Carter were the ultimate early 90's punk band. Came from nowhere, gained notoriety by punching a music host live on TV and disappeared again. Brilliant lyrics, buzz saw guitars and some mighty fine angry punk songs.
Sweet Child O Mine - Guns N Roses just seemed to self destruct but it was always about Slash for me and this riff is incredibly hard to replicate but shows why he is regarded, in my eyes, as the greatest guitar player i have ever heard.
I am now tagging fellow punk fans Cody, The Intolerant One and Fez Monkey.
Monday, 9 April 2007
I didn't even know he and a few Republican buddies had visited Iraq until I saw the pictures of them strolling confidently down the middle of Baghdad Market and then at the press conference afterwards where he claimed "Things are getting better, there are encouraging signs".
That's excellent news and now all we have to do to make Iraq habitable again is undertake the same minor precautions McCain undertook before his little jaunt.
Send in soldiers to search for explosives, set up a perimeter and secure the neighbourhood. Deploy a few sharpshooters on rooftops. Don a flak jacket, travel by a Humvee to the market and surround yourself with up to 100 armed soldiers while three Black Hawk helicopters and two Apache gunships patrolled the skies above.
It really is as simple as that if the locals want to get back from the market-place in one piece.
What i do expect to happen, and by all accounts is going to happen, is the twisted tales that are going to emanate courtesy of the MOD looking to cover their backs over the whole sordid adventure.
Stories of psychological torture and sub-human conditions look pretty pathetic when the latest pictures from Tehran show the 15 sitting around a table full of food laughing, joking and waving for the camera.
Yes, they probably were terrified and scared but compare their brief incarceration to those held at Guantanemo Bay or Abu Ghurayb and it puts things into perspective. Make your money but don't paint things as even a fraction of what some of the other hostages are having to deal with because they will not be sent back home in a new suit and clutching a goody bag.
Sunday, 8 April 2007
That said, i am driving halfway across the country today to visit my family and deliver Easter Eggs to another group of people who totally dismiss religion. So the point is, should Atheists partake in religious holidays with all it's chocolate egg giving or has Easter become just a long weekend with chocolate with any religious undertones long forgotten?
I am sure i will ponder on it for a while during the journey down the motorway, or alternatively i will slam in my new OI!! Punk CD and belt out The Sound of The Suburbs.
Enjoy your choccy everyone.
Saturday, 7 April 2007
Since the Eubank/Watson fight ended with Michael Watson in a coma and brain damaged there has always been an uneasiness surrounding the sport. The visit by the blind and brain damaged ex-boxer Gerald MClelland to our shores last month drives home just how brutal and unforgiving it can be.
That said, and i do get an earful from fellow peaceniks for this, but i like to watch boxing. I also like to watch reality TV but when the two come together, i smell something rotten.
This evening, the runner up in the US reality show The Contender is taking on our very own Joe Calzaghe. As Joe is the current World Super-Middleweight Champion and is unbeaten in 40 fights, the challenger is not expected to hang around long.
What worries me is that Peter Manfredo jnr is out of his depth, out of his league and is going to lose royally. As the bookies have Calzaghe as 50-1 on to win, everyone is expecting it to be horribly one sided.
In most sports that would be a hiding to embarrassment but in boxing, it is just downright dangerous. Manfredo should not be in the same ring as Joe. If he was good enough he would of risen up the ranks and not had to qualify by coming second in a reality show.
I hope Joe wins and i hope that Manfredo comes out of it with little more than his pride bruised and a thick pay packet, but in such a dangerous sport i find it reckless to present such a mismatch as entertainment.
Tuesday, 3 April 2007
As not to disappoint, i am about to do it again and place any supporters of the brutal Canadian seal cull on a par with the sort of person who drinks puddles of rainwater.
I usually drag out my 'big book of why Seal Culling is wrong' and then get into a debate about it and quote statistics and such but it really doesn't move the argument on any further so what's the point?
Actually, there is a lot of point because Belgium and Germany have both implemented a ban on seal products and some of the UK supermarkets we have been urging to ban Canadian fish products for years have signed up to keep the fish labelled with "Produce of Canada" off it's shelves.
Maybe we are getting somewhere after all.
That's one in the eye for you lot of puddle drinking baby seal killers.
A senior American commander in the Gulf has said his men would have fired on the Iranian Revolutionary Guard rather than let themselves be taken hostage .
Right wing blogs everywhere are bravely stating the Brits should of gone out with all guns blazing rather than be taken hostage.
Of course everyone has an opinion on what the 15 sailors should have done or not done, but from where i am sitting there are 15 sailors still alive who would certainly not be if they had started firing their weapons.
Alive and captured or dead.
Is it really only me who sees these choices as a no brainer?