I keep hearing on the television that you have no money left so I am writing to you to inquire about the possibility of buying your country for £100m.
I have always fancied the idea of owning my own country and I am currently in a position to buy one, having recently received winning notification from Euro - Afro Asian Sweepstake International that I have won exactly that amount in their latest draw.
I have been assured that the £100m will be deposited in my bank account just as soon as I send them my bank details and the £1,000 they need to process my claim.
Speaking of which, I was wondering if, as a gesture of goodwill ahead of my imminent purchase of your country, that you might be able to lend me £1,000, as my own savings are currently tied up helping the wife of the late head of state of Nigeria, who recently emailed me to inquire if i might assist her in getting the $100m misappropriated by her late husband out of Nigeria.
Once I have received my share I will obviously repay your £1,000 in full, with a bit on top for your co-operation.
While I am aware that you are looking for as much as possible for your country, I was wondering if perhaps you'd be willing to knock a bit off as there are certain parts of it that I don't actually want: your army as it looks a bit girly with those pom poms on their shoes, Rhodes, those weird shaped guitars, your banks, the fat, hairy blokes who SHOUT ALL THE TIME, any of your football teams, Nana Mouskouri, all the statues of naked men with their junk hanging out and your olives.
I look forward to hearing from you